Processing

I'm going to get back to blogging, simply because i need it. I find it therapeutic. I'm not one to vocalize my feelings, and this is generally a good way for me to process.

I think i shied away from blogging for so long for a number of reasons. First, I've felt like a failure. I mean, not all the time. But, well, i certainly don't run like i used to, I've put on weight. People always congratulate you on losing weight, on how awesome you look. Not so when you gain weight. By society's standards I'm a failure.  

Also, I'm friends with a lot more people on social media now. People who didn't know me when i was super heavy, and then lost a ton of weight. They know the me, now.  The one somewhere in limbo. (See what i did right there? I'm NOT in limbo. I just am. Me. Now.)

A big part of me right now is working on loving me. Who i am right now. Some days i do, some days i don't.  Often, i just don't feel adequate enough. It's like i try my hardest, but it's never good enough.

Back when I was actively trying to lose weight, i never had a goal number in mind. I always thought that when I'd get there, I'd know.  But now i realize that i don't think i would have known. Because it never would have been good enough.

Today i came across some pics of me from back in 2011.  Holy crap. I'm still having trouble processing, because i don't remember being that small.  

All I can remember from back then is that I wanted to keep getting smaller. Because I wasn't good enough. 

Well, you know what? 

Today i am.