A Break Up

As some of you know, I'm breaking up with Death Gym as of December 1st. And I'm terrified. Seriously. I get all panicky inside and my chest feels tight when i think about it.

I know part of my apprehension is fear of the unknown.  I started working out at LA Fitness in January of 2009, and started lifting with Frank soon after.  We were at LA for a couple of years, went to Unlimited Changes and when that closed, back to LA. Then the current Death Gym opened, and we've been there ever since.

So for the better part of six years  (wow, really?) I've been working with Frank. He was there from the beginning, when i didn't even know what a plank was.  He saw my first real push-up. And when those got easy, he showed me different variations. (It feels quite bad ass doing push-ups with a plate on your back.)  When i told him i wanted to flip a big ass tire, he made it happen. Back squats, front squats, goblet squats....i wouldn't be doing any of that crap right now without his guidance.

He prepared me for Warrior Dashes, Tough Mudders and my first Strongman competition.  

I'm afraid that without him, I'll stagnate. That I'll lose the faith in myself that i can do what I've been doing.

Plus, I'm absolutely terrified about making my own weightlifting routine. It is so easy to go in the gym and have Frank tell me what to do. I don't even know what weights I lift because i never had to worry about it before. I literally "lift things up and put them down".

What if i do it wrong? What if i put the wrong types of exercises together? What if i lose all my strength and go back to suckling at life in general? I've already gained back a bunch of weight. What if i go back to being weak as well?

It's funny, because a lot of people have more faith in me than i do. I've had several people tell me i should go into personal training bc of my knowledge, my experiences and because i love lifting.

But I'm scared to do it on my own.

Processing

I'm going to get back to blogging, simply because i need it. I find it therapeutic. I'm not one to vocalize my feelings, and this is generally a good way for me to process.

I think i shied away from blogging for so long for a number of reasons. First, I've felt like a failure. I mean, not all the time. But, well, i certainly don't run like i used to, I've put on weight. People always congratulate you on losing weight, on how awesome you look. Not so when you gain weight. By society's standards I'm a failure.  

Also, I'm friends with a lot more people on social media now. People who didn't know me when i was super heavy, and then lost a ton of weight. They know the me, now.  The one somewhere in limbo. (See what i did right there? I'm NOT in limbo. I just am. Me. Now.)

A big part of me right now is working on loving me. Who i am right now. Some days i do, some days i don't.  Often, i just don't feel adequate enough. It's like i try my hardest, but it's never good enough.

Back when I was actively trying to lose weight, i never had a goal number in mind. I always thought that when I'd get there, I'd know.  But now i realize that i don't think i would have known. Because it never would have been good enough.

Today i came across some pics of me from back in 2011.  Holy crap. I'm still having trouble processing, because i don't remember being that small.  

All I can remember from back then is that I wanted to keep getting smaller. Because I wasn't good enough. 

Well, you know what? 

Today i am.